Kids Invited vs Adults Only with Beth Bernstein

I have Beth Bernstein with me, a Chicago based wedding planner and she's going to chat with me about the good, bad, and sometimes, well, frankly, quite often the difficult reasons to have kids at your wedding or not. After nearly a decade working at Chicago’s top advertising agencies followed by several years of planning nonprofit, Beth Bernstein founded SQN Events in May 2009 and added Essential I do’s in 2020. She’s also a founding member of the Small Wedding Society. Beth’s work has been featured in numerous publications and blogs. 

SQN Events was named one of the top 50 wedding planners by Party Slate in 2018. Beth has spoken at several industry events, including Engage and Wedding Wire World. She currently serves as secretary for WEIPA International and as the immediate past president of the Chicago chapter, which won the chapter of the Year Award for 2019. A recipient of wish upon a winning Shining Star Award Beth is also well respected amongst her peers, as a leader in the industry taking strong stance on topics such as transparency with clients, community over competition, and mental health awareness. I know you're going to especially love this episode if you've been torn about saying no, saying yes, and accepting what comes with the decision. It’s a tough one, guys. In this episode, we'll also talk about what you can do to make a day at your wedding for kids easier for the kids and the adults too. We'll also talk about resources and ideas for keeping kids happy at the wedding. Let's go ahead and get started on this very opinionated interview with Beth.

I came to Beth because we have known each for a very long time and I picked her specifically for this episode because she, like me, always has an opinion and I think that this is very much an opinion decision. What makes Beth an expert on this decision is that this is something that comes up with almost every single wedding we do and it comes up very early in the conversation and it’s usually one of the topics that’s very polarizing, either the parents want it one way and the couple wants it a different way or vice versa. There are people in both camps, and each have very strong opinions on it.

Let’s start with the cons. Number one is unpredictability. We try everything in our power to control the narrative of the day and if you throw in the unpredictability of a three-year-old or a five-year-old, you have no idea what is going to happen. We don't like those kinds of surprises. Nobody is equipped to deal with them. It's just, it's not fun. It's such pressure on everybody and we want to keep things as calm as possible and sometimes that really cannot happen when kids are involved. Especially really young kids.

 I know everyone immediately thinks to like walking down the aisle as flower girls and ring bearers or being on the dance floor but there's so many more parts of the day that you have to consider where kids are involved can stress everyone out, unfortunately, because for a couple of different reasons. Kids get tired and wedding days are long and when kids get tired, it's not always a good thing. You know that's when they lose it and start crying or fall asleep. It's not something you want on your wedding day to be a factor.

Those times often start at the beginning of the day, so let's say a bridal party, getting ready. Just having them in the room with all of these people, quite a few may be strangers if you have a lot of bridesmaids, but there's so much going on in getting ready rooms, that it can be overwhelming to them. It can also be dangerous so I'm going to tell this story. I had a wedding where, I don't think we had professional hair and makeup artists, but one of the girls was on the floor in the room getting ready and she had a curling iron plugged in and she got up and left to go into this secondary room and the flower girl who might have been two or three went over and picked up the hot part of the tool and burned her hand. So, it's little things like that, that can go wrong and that you have to consider when you've got kids in a room like that, that hopefully aren't chaotic, you know, hopefully do have professional hair and makeup artists but you know, considering the size of some of these rooms and the number of people and they may not be they may not know a lot of people might be strangers to them. There’s the unpredictability, but there's also that safety factor. And then of course there's photography time. It's a long day for everyone. And for them to go all day is really hard. If it's a flower girl and or a junior bridesmaid, and they're getting their hair and or makeup done. And then they're in photos. it is a long day and asking them to behave isn't fair and it's not fair to their parents, and most of the time, the children are asked to be included in the wedding because of a very personal relationship between the couple or the family and the parents of this child. You know, typically it's a niece or a nephew or a god daughter, things like that. So you feel obligated to include these children. Meanwhile, their parents are probably saying, I really, really don't want have to be responsible for my child when I have all of these other responsibilities as a bridesmaid or what have you.

Another idea with having kids is having someone there formally to help - not a bridesmaid or a grandmother, because you want those people to enjoy their day, but someone that can help them with their floral crown, keep them occupied while mom/dad are busy getting ready or involved in festivities. There is a lot going on for the bridal party and adding a kiddo to the mix can be very challenging. It gives a designated person that their main responsibility is to help with the kids, so that no one else is feeling overwhelmed because the kids need a snack or need to be occupied. You can decide if this is something you want to cover or you want to offer as a service to the parents. It can be a little bit of an expense. And you know, but if that's what it takes to make sure that everyone is having a great experience, which I know is of the utmost importance to almost every wedding party that I've ever met. It’s priority number one for everyone to have a great experience. You don’t want to add to the chaos for anyone.

There's also the unpredictability during ceremony time. You never know with kids if they are ready to walk down the aisle, stand in one spot, throw a temper tantrum, etc. The couple needs to think through this and decide, we're gonna be okay, if we're gonna have the kids in the wedding with anything that has to happen to make sure that happens. So having someone else being okay with someone else carrying down the aisle if they don't want to walk or anything of the sort. You have to have somebody else okay, to make that final decision. Yes, the bride or groom does not have the mental capacity or the space right then and there before they're about to walk down the aisle, before they are getting married to make that final call, so somebody else has to be appointed to make that final call. Obviously, it's the wedding planner, if they have one. If not, talk to someone else about it. You know, if there is a venue manager, they would do it or there somebody has to be able to say, “okay, we're only going to wait 30 seconds and then if the child doesn't cooperate, we're going to go with the next set of people.”

Beth shared a story with a nine year old flower girl. She was really well behaved all day, but had a little attitude about how well she should be treated but still, she was lovely. We'd get to lining up and everything's fine, but I could see she's getting a little bit more nervous. Bridesmaids, groomsmen, they all walked down. The only one that's left is the flower girl and then the bride with her parents. thought for sure this, this young lady was gonna walk down there as if she were the Queen of England. She froze here in headlights full on. It looked like she was going into shock, which I did not expect. That's why I was so thrown. I plead the musicians out of the corner of my eye because I had been queuing them on when the next song and the bandleader and I looked at each other we glance we look we look like and it felt like an eternity and I realized that she's not going anywhere. So, I gently moved her out of the way and sent the bride and her parents down so they actually had to switch songs.

And so there's, okay the benefit to flower girls and ring bears. They are kind of cute coming down - just google all of those images and feel your heart getting warmer. They are so cute. But here's the thing. The pictures are cute, because you're only showing the pictures of the cute stuff. 

We're going to talk about the benefits. They are obviously benefits because they're important to you. If this is your child, god child, or your niece or something like that, yes, it is important as a relationship and sometimes it can be like, a really big deal. If this is going to be something that is going to really affect your relationship with the parent, it might be something you have to fall on your sword for and say, alright, I'm just going to do this and just make it very minimal as possible thing, okay, they can come to the ceremony, but that's it. But you have to consider everything when you're making this decision, not just what's going to be best for you, as the bride or groom, even though it is your day. You have to take other people into consideration.

It’s a good idea to give yourself options of when the child can or cannot attend, if you’d like to show some flexibility with this topic. It might be an adult only dinner reception, or they're invited up through cocktail hour and, and then that's it. We have plenty of clients that do that. So that is an option that you can consider. With a lot of people, I feel like the pros to having the kids there is if you really just want to be a family feel like in there, you know, especially well, clearly family, you know, nieces, nephews, little cousin things like that. And definitely you're going to find that value you're going have every reason to have them there. And again, I think throwing back to what we were talking about earlier. It's just about planning for them to be there that day, like really fully preparing and taking into consideration the length of the day. The kind of menu that you have, you know, is it appropriate for them to be at that dinner. There is a very big difference, having kids at a black-tie wedding at the Four Seasons, versus a backyard wedding during the summer where you're going to have a lot of people have lawn games set up.

When you're talking about at the reception, also something to think about, I hate to say it, but they are going to be around a lot of adults who are drinking, and that may not be something that kids are accustomed to. And, you know, there's slips and falls and people drinking and acting a little outside of what they would in the non-intoxicated adult world.  

Something else we should consider is the menu. If you're going to have kids there, if what you have on your dinner menu is not something that kids eat. You need to plan a special dinner for them. And not only that, but during cocktails. A lot of cocktail food. kids are not going to want to touch so make sure that your caterer has a little mini plate of something for kids there. They are going to be starving. So, they're going to turn their noses up a lot of them the young kids that shrimp cocktail or a crab cake or like something as strong as a Brie and tartlet or something like that. Those are not kid food.

I want to go back really quickly to when you're considering whether or not to even have kids and the obligation. What's happened sometimes is that I have couples that have the wedding in mind. They see all the pictures, they see all of the social media, and they feel like they have to have a flower girl. And it's like who do I know that has a kid that could fill? No, no if you don't have to do it. Don't do it. Don't go searching for one, don't go hiring a little model. Don't go looking for it. I don't think it's something to do just for pictures or video. I mean, if you consider just all of the points that we brought up, that should enough to say it's not worth the video, you know, because there's just so much that you have to prepare for just for a couple of pictures.

It’s also important to consider kids on the dance floor. This can also be a hard subject, but kids can be all consuming on dance floor. Kids love to take their time up at the dance floor and get right into the thick of it. And it really can be a dangerous place for them again, because of the intoxicated guests. And, and such, but they can really consume the dance floor. But just as simple as that. If that's not what your vibe is. Think about the noise level and if you have a really young kid there.

And then consideration for those kids. You know, like, it's another reason to have event sitters there. Quite often we have event sitters that will come and be at the ceremony and or reception to help make sure the kids have a good time that they get to eat and their parents have a good time. But we also have event centers that especially for at a hotel or resort, can take the kids after the ceremony or right after dinner back to their room so they can get tucked in and go to bed or watch a movie or anything of the sort. So that's something that you can also put into your plans.

Another consideration is if the guests may have to leave early because of the kids. We know that parents might not want to stay as long if their kids are there or they are having occupying their time. A few years ago, we had a guest with 8 kids, but the family and the kids were important to the clients, so we built an entire room for the kids off the side of the dining room. It was a really formal, sophisticated dinner party, but in that side room, we had a Nintendo, we had two TVs and they could sit there and do that. There was an art station, we had little stations, the whole room was set up for these kids to go in there and have a great time. If you have kids that are important to you that they are, you know, they mean a lot to you to have them there, by all means, don't take them off your list, but prepare for them to be there. Make it a great experience for them as well.

I know that we both do a lot of destination weddings and often times guests are making a vacation out of the wedding in general and want to leave the kids at home for time together, but some make a family vacation out of it. Again, you’re just going to want to decide if it’s important to you for those kids to be there and how to handle it with the parents. You can also provide a list of professionals that can help with the kids during the ceremony and reception or find ways to incorporate the kids or give them their own space. We know there is a lot to think about and pros and cons out there and you have a lot to consider. Think about the kids that may attend, how you want your wedding to look when it comes to kids and what the experience will be like not only for the kids, but their parents and other guests.